Piercing stares, part deux

Several collaborating scientists have brought to my attention some additional data.

Ms. Zigana mentioned the efficacy of chest compressions combined with piercing stares (PS). She should know, since she delivers a quintessential PS on her website. Imagine its awe-inspiring power in the flesh.

However, the learning curve is steep indeed for implementing multiple simultaneous interventions. Many mistakes can be made by the inexpert practitioner.


Figure 1. Reverse chest compression position, prohibiting piercing stares

Young Charles pointed out the value of guttural vocalizing, 'grumbling' in the vernacular. As he so astutely remarked, humans respond to the combination of grumbling and piercing stares with laughter 84.7% of the time. And it's been proven repeatedly that laughter is positively associated with All Things Good.

By the way, young Charles has embarked on a related study: The Importance of Eyebrow Strength and Flexibility to the Cute Face. Always nice to see a young scientist in the making.

Finally, Andrew of A+M+M+J introduced the term 'visual fixity' as the proper category for studies of this ilk. I am indebted to his lexiconical perspicacity.

A quiz

Can you identify what's wrong with this picture?



a. The date is April 20th
b. Yes, that's snow
c. It wasn't taken in Sweden
d. all of the above

Piercing stares

No calls from Sweden yet.

Dad reminded me that I actually need a body of scientific work to win an award, so I've buckled down to a serious study.

It's called 'The Impact of Piercing Stares on Human Behavior.' Here are my preliminary observations:

1. Distance matters. Piercing stares from 12-18 inches away elicit an immediate response. Piercing stares from across the room have a much lower response rate.

2. Location matters. Piercing stares in the vicinity of the food bin cause humans to look at the clock and mutter inane comments about it not being 'time' yet. Piercing stares from the vicinity of the back door generate a trip outside. Piercing stares from underneath a blanket (Figure 1) get no response whatsoever.


Figure 1. Ineffective piercing stare technique.

3. Ear position matters. Piercing stares are more effective with ears in the 'full alert' position. My theory is that full earage increases the size of my head in the human visual field.

4. Paw placement matters. Among humans ignoring close-range piercing stares (and you know who you are), a paw on the forearm increases response rates by 80%.

No need to thank me; I'm just doing my job.

Accolades present and future

This week, I received a prestigious award. Dennis honored me with this:

I'd say his impeccable taste gives the lie to his supposed 'constitutional peasantry,' wouldn't you?

Now that the ball of recognition for my contributions to science is a-roll, it's only a matter of time before I pick up a few more letters. The ones I'm most looking forward to are:

M for MacArthur Foundation, and
N for you know what. Even scientists are superstitious, so I don't want to jinx it. Suffice it to say that I would fly to Stockholm to receive it. And I would definitely be the youngest recipient ever, beating out Lawrence Bragg by 20 years. All he did was Xray a few crystals. Child's play.

I had a few headshots done so I'd be ready when the publicity juggernaut begins.

Figure 1. Serious scientist, c'est moi.


Figure 2. Visionary me.

Figure 3. Let's lounge around and talk cold fusion, shall we?

So hard to choose.

Trend-spotting

Ever keen-eyed, I've detected an emerging phenomenon: vizsla yoga.

Here's one of the lovely filles rouges d'Ecosse in a challenging pose: Upward-facing Sleeping Dog. Notice the flexion in her hind legs and the extension in her front ones, as well as the spinal rotation between her hips and her shoulders. Very advanced skills.














Another yoga student from the UK, Hamish McKhan. Nice flexion/extension as well.














And Ms. Zigana, also from the UK. She's added the challenging element of maintaining eye contact. Admirable!



















Ms. Ditto, combining flexion, extension, rotation, and eye contact. I believe she's attained enlightenment.














From the States, Dennis the Constitutional Peasant. Dennis has clearly transcended physical reality altogether, because he's sprouted a human hand from his right ear.















Fascinating.

Eureka. (Part 2)

This has turned out to be a multidimensional study. And not all of the findings are serendipitous.

If I were older and less scientifically inclined, I might be tempted to rant a bit. But I'll just show you the data instead.

Figure 2. Relationship between human sleeping habits and trips to the park













Figure 3. Relationship between human sleeping habits and food quality














You can draw your own conclusions. I'd love to discuss this further, but I have to dash out for a moment.

Eureka!

Last night, I gathered the final piece of data on a long-term study of the relationship between park snacking and the sleeping habits of humans.

Every morning, I take Dad to the park for snacks. It's a smorgasbord!

Some snacks used to be alive. Some snacks used to be inside other dogs. And some snacks were once sports equipment. One of my favorites is tennis ball skins.

Dad hates it when I snack. He doesn't realize that I'm just fulfilling my function as a scavenger in the Big Scheme of Things. (By the way, Jim Kalish, I notice that you're very quiet on the subject of ticks. I rest my case.)

Anyway, I swallow very quickly and run even faster so there's nothing he can do about it.

But I found out that snacking is highly correlated with a seemingly unrelated phenomenon: Dad's sleep patterns.

The more I snack, the more likely he is to get up at 3 AM, go downstairs, and open the back door. When I hit the snack mother lode, like I did yesterday, it's a virtual guarantee that we'll make a trip to the backyard together (Figure 1).

Figure 1. Relationship between park snacks and human behavior.











I'm excited to have discovered this link, but Dad doesn't share my enthusiasm. Sometimes, he can be a wet blanket about science.